Survivor Blogosphere Edition: Outwit, Outpost, Outlast

« EXTENSION | Main | THE WINNER IS... »

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE I - Time to vote!

Voting is closed. Click Extended Entry for results.

Below you will find the six entries for the first immunity challenge, in which you were asked to convince Rachel Lucas to return to the Blogosphere. Read them and then vote for your favorite. You have until 9 a.m. tomorrow (Thursday).

Entry #1:

Rachel, Rachel, Wherefor Art Thou Rachel?

Please come back to us, Rachel. And I'm not just saying that because Don is forcing me to. I really mean it. But this post is about more than just begging, it's also about convincing. So, how do I convince you to return to active blogging?

Can I guilt you into it? Maybe toss out some examples like Anger Management and Snooze Button Dreams. Blogs that you put on the map with a simple mention. Blogs that might not be here today if you hadn't, and most certainly would not have the popularity they claim now without the boost you gave them. Think of the other blogs out there that are withering on the vine. Blogs that would touch your funny bone and make you smile just as much but are faltering only because you haven't seen them.

Not enough? Well what about blogs like Bloviating Inanities? Blogs that you literally helped establish with your own effort and natural bent towards helpfullness. Take a look at Bill's interview to get an idea of what you mean to the people that you've helped.

But that's the wrong tack to take. After all, that's just asking you to resume a part time, unpaid job. I think it would be better to remind you of the fun stuff. Labors of love like your Bowling for Bullshit series. Now that's some good stuff right there. Wasn't it fun to write that? Wasn't it great to put out your opinion and have it read and respected by thousands of people? Wasn't it great to know that you may very well have been the difference between people taking that bullshit movie at face value versus examining it for its actual contents?

And think of the community. How many blog buddies do you have out there? Way more than I do, that's for sure. Yeah, it can get difficult just keeping up with stuff sometimes but don't you miss the intimate contacts that you made over such a long period? Wouldn't it be great to pick up again with some of the people who you've sort of fallen off contact with? There was a reason you were conversing with them in the first place, you know.

Don't be intimidated. You don't need to go gangbusters like you once did. Heck, I'd be happy with a weekly post on those gorgeous canines of yours. Something to let me know for sure that you were still in the neighborhood. Maybe an occasional rant on the Loony Left would be nice, but no pressure here!

We miss you, Rachel. You are Blogmamma to many, sponsor and helper to more and a riotous read thousands. Your blog is still getting over a thousand hits a day because we're telling you how much we want to hear your voice, your opinion, your rants, and how much we want to see those puppers.

Come back to the blogoshpere, dear Rachel. You'll be glad that you did.

Actually, I'm just kidding. You suck Rachel. I bet those pictures of your "dogs" are really pictures of you! And guess what else? Don also sucks! I bet those pictures of him are really pictures of him! Hahahaha...

But I'm not done yet. I should tell you all, I worship Evil Glenn! That's right...I worship him and want to have his puppies...his blended puppies! Goodness am I ever so clever.

Not like this stupid Survivor game, which I hope I get voted off of. That's right...vote me off, if you dare! Because you all suck...suck, suck, suck. Or, as stupid Rachel would say stupidly: Suck. Suck. Suck. Just like Frank J. Muahahaha.

Oh, and guess what kids...there is no such thing as Santa! MUAHAHAHA!!!

Entry #2:

I decided to entice Rachel back with a song, that shares all of our
feelings. Rachel, this one's for you.

To the tune of "American Pie" by Don McLean

A long long time ago
I can still remember
how that blogger used to make me smile
And I knew if she stayed around
The liberal idiots she would pound
And maybe they'd go away, for a while
But October 17th made me shiver
As under pictures of Sunny n' Digger
She had ceased her blogging
It gave my heart a flogging
I can't remember if I cried
When I read about her canine pride
But something touched me deep inside
The day, rachel's blog, died
So...

CHORUS :
Bye-bye, Miss Capitalist Queen
Drove my chevy to the levee
Trying not to cry out my spleen
How could Rachel ever be so mean
To fade away from the blogging scene?
She left the blogosphere like a dream.

Did she write the Book of Guns
And did she speak in Spanish tounges
You'd know if you read her a lot
She still gets a thousand hits
it don't surprise me, not one bit
And she tought me, how to blog, sans "spot"

Well , I know that she's got stuff to do
And that she's into something new
but when she stopped this year
Something killed the 'sphere

She was the source for my daily dose
Of capitalism, though a bit verbose
To us daily readers she was the most
Until, rachel's blog died.
I started singin' ...

CHORUS

Now for a month we've been on our own
And moss grows fat on a bloggin' stone
But that's not how it used to be

When Rachel blogged with 'ol Frank J
In a coat she borrowed from Tammy Faye
And a voice that came from you and me

Oh, and while we consoled ourselves at Franks
Crying on his databanks
The blogosphere was adjourned
No verdict was returned

And while Rumsfeld read a book on Marx
The rest of us knew that we were farked
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day, rachel's blog died
We were singin' ...

CHORUS

Helter Skelter in a summer swelter
The Blogs were in need of a fallout shelter
Eight pages long and falling fast

We now had nowhere we could link
That wasn't full of commie stink
IMAO, without rachel, wouldn't last

Well, sure we had the emperor
And I think, I'm pretty sure
We would've been ok
UNTIL THAT FATEFUL DAY

'Cause rachel withdrew, like a vole
And left us with this gaping hole
Our hearts and link-love, she just stole
The day rachel's blog died
We started singin' ...

CHORUS

Oh, and there we were all in one place
A blogoshpere Lost in Space
With no time left to start again

So come on, Kim be nimble , Misha be quick
Bill Whittle knocked over a candlestick
'Cause fire is the Pundit's only friend

Oh, and as I saw her empty page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
No blogging born in hell
Could break those Troll's spell

And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrifical rite
I saw Glenn blending with delight
The day rachel's blog died
He was singin' ...

CHORUS

I met a girl who blogged the blues
And I asked her for some happy news
But she just :)'d and turned away

I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd seen her blogging weeks before
But the page there showed nothing new today

And in the streets Harv Olson screamed
Don Watkins cried , and Blackfive dreamed
But not a word was spoken
Rachel's Links were broken

And the three men I admire, you see
Frank J , Harv and K.d.T
They caught the last plane for the sea
The day rachel's blog died
And they were singin' ...

CHORUS

Entry #3

Rachel,

This is the internet, people come and people go like the ways of the wind. Building a dominating or dominatrix force in the blogging community takes time, effort and and insane amount of coffee. You mamn, have found the way to do this. I understand the need for a break in sanity from the blog, hell we all do. But don't leave us in the dark for long. We feel like the light bulb has gone off, and we are starving cold children locked in a closet savoring the last stick of gum little Timmy had in his pocket..

Wait is that gum? EW!

Today, blogs are not just personal sites but children you give life to. When you build up readership and people come every day to see what you have written, it’s a good feeling. Can you really leave that feeling behind? Ok maybe you can, but beside the point. When you deprive us, the readers of your wit, of your commentary, of your dogs, it’s like you've taken the crack away but left the pipe.

With that said, come back. You've had a good rest right? Start out slow, and pick back up gradually. Like drug re-habilitation.

signed,

Surviror contestant

Entry #4:

Rachel, please, come back from your hiatus. The blogworld needs you.
If you don't come back soon, you might be receiving a letter like this:

Dear Ms. Lucas,
I applaud your decision to put your blog on hiatus. America doesn't need
another gun-freak out there, corrupting the youth with thoughts of
"self-protection" and "2nd Amendment rights".
And no one, I mean no one, needs more photos of dogs. Dogs are just lazy
creatures, eating all the food that should be going to me that we
could be giving to poor people.
Might I suggest that a hiatus is not a strong enough statement? Why not fold
your blog entirely, or better yet, repent of your evil, independent,
impudent ways and hitch your wagon to the Moore star?
I'm sure we could find a place for someone obviously so talented as you
within the fine, fair and balanced machine that is Michael Moore Is A God
And Everyone Knows It Enterprises. We've already signed on Charlie
Heston to clean the toilets.
Do you know how to make coffee?
Peace out, cupcake.
Yours,
Mikey

Entry #5

Dear Rachel,

I had many thoughts on how to approach this assignment. First: I planned
for humor. Perhaps a Dr. Seuss type poem or some kind of cleverly worded
song. Second: I planned to count down how long it has been since you posted
something and have some kind of weird, ticking-down type clock. Third: I
planned to appeal to your sense of vanity.

But the truth is, I have never been a big fan of your site. I had popped by
once or twice, seeing as I had done the many hundreds of thousands of links
to you on the blog-world, all peppered with phrases that would stupefy any
lusting sycophantic wet-dream, and so I would shrug…think “Why not?” and
give you some clickage.

But whenever I got there, I would get turned right off. The few times I had
popped in there, it was immediately obvious that you and I were polar
opposites-whereas you went to bat against the evils of the French, I refused
to pour their wine out (ok, now. We can discuss patriotism all night long,
but come on-what a waste of WINE!) And I know many, many Germans, and for
the most part they are gentle, intelligent, and so vibrantly embarrassed
over what happened during WWII that they can’t even bring themselves to fly
a German flag. Your post on July 24, 2003? Well, looked a bit like
xenophobic ranting to me, but you go ahead and express yourself, ma’am.

The more I though about this assignment, the more I balked. I locked my
knees up and dug my donkey legs into the dirt and refused to budge. I
wasn’t going to pander to the blog world by saying, “Yes, please, Rachel-all
of these things are happening in the big scary world and we need your view!
We need it! Inject it right in here, I’ve prepped the needle!” My entry
was going to be: “Rachel and I don’t seem to be bosom buddy type material.
Why should I beg for her to come back? I never missed her going. I don’t
sell out, and don’t see why I should compromise myself now.”

The truth of it is, you and I don’t agree on many things. We may never do
so. You write a political blog (with a liberal sprinkling of canine) and I
write a personal blog. I will never write about politics, and I can’t
imagine that you will ever decide to whip out your Internet couch and decide
to chase around your own Freudian issues.

But I decided to get into the spirit of the game, and it was with great
wariness and skepticism that I went through your archives. And I wasn’t
surprised that I still didn’t agree with many of your views and opinion,
however I have to be honest-I was impressed at the way you are able to
express yourself. You have a unique ability to take certain sentences, and
with just a few words, get a point across. Ironically, I may not agree with
your points, but I truly respect the way you present them. Yes-it looked as
though I may have to eat some humble pie.

For example-your post on August 28, 2003 was excellent. Not only did you
try to subdue the needs of your regular readers, you brought new readers up
to date. Your views were concise, funny, and above all, un-apologetic.
These were your views. You would not be pigeonholed, labeled, or thought of
in a specific category. You are who you are. And that’s a view I can get
behind.

It was that post that I thought: yes, she rants. She’s an angry woman, and
that’s ok. I know a few of them myself.

Why should you come back? Some would argue that a plethora of media events
are happening that are lacking your commentary, your spin on things that
packages, wraps, and puts a bow on the some of the idiocy in the world. The
left would argue that in your absence, the right takes advantage of your
silence (although as a Libertarian and member of the Rachel party, I would
hope you would stick to you guns and reply: “So?”). Others would argue
that, along with the three women chosen to be a part of the Survivor
Challenge, you are a smart woman, and the blog world can always respect a
smart woman.

But I think the bottom line is this: you seem to think your blog has sucked
recently. I would bet many of your readers wouldn’t agree. A common theme
throughout the lacing of your blog is that you respect your reader’s
opinions. They miss you; they think that near anything you have to say is
worthy of their time. They’re interested in you. They like to hear your
opinions. By labeling your own blog as something not worthy of their time
is labeling your readers’ time as not worthy. And maybe I’m wrong, but
that’s not an impression I think you wish to make.

I’m not saying you “owe your readers”. But I am saying that they respect
your opinion, you seem to respect theirs, so listen to them while they say,
“We miss you. You’ve left a void that no one has been able to step up to
fill. You make us laugh, you make us think, you make us angry, please come
back.”

I write the personal stuff. You write the political. I go for the
emotional throat, and you take your time spacing out the logics. You lean
to the Rachel-party. I lean to my own party, too. I would go a step
further and say that you are Ying and I am Yan, but that may make us all
throw up.

I can’t promise that I will read you if you come back. But I can tell you
that although I don’t agree with most of your views, I respect them, and I
like your style. From one blogger to another: the blog world is much more
interesting if you’re around.

Not the least of which is because you create new and plagiaristic-worthy
terms such as “Asshat”.

-Anonymous.

Entry #6

I have received my first immunity assignment and I have to plead for Rachel
Lucas's return to her blog. Now, I'm not one to go around begging people to do
anything, especially when it's their thing and I've got absolutely no personal
stake in the matter. However, I've got my marching orders and if I have to suck
it up for Survivor, then I guess the groveling will begin in earnest right now.

Rachel, I've never read your blog. I'm not one of the 1,300 schmucks still
visiting your website everyday in hopes that you will have planted another seed
of wisdom on your blog. I'm not one of your fans, dying for you to update with
some tiny new detail of your life or picture of your puppy's belly. Yeah, I'm
not one of those.

Yet, I'd love you to come back. Mostly so those bitches would stop whining
about how the glorious Rachel Lucas has left the building, partly because I
want to win this immunity challenge. It's obvious that someone out there still
loves you no matter how badly your blog sucks now. If you're still getting
1,300 hits a day then you must have been doing something right. Either that or
you showed lots of boobage. I'm going to vote for quality writing because
claiming you boobied your way to the top of the blogger pile isn't going to win
me any points here.

Did I mention you have really cute dogs? I like dogs. I take back what I aid
earlier about the puppy bellies; perhaps you should come back and post many,
many more photos of dogs. Actually, maybe I should post pictures of dogs.
Will that get me new readers?

Okay, here's my last attempt at convincing you to come back. Rachel, you don't
want to go down in the blogger history books as the "blog that used to be cool"
or "was good, but now sucks ass" or "that girl that could go on a wicked, mean
rant, but lost her will to bitch" now do you? I didn't think so. So, for your
own sake, your dignity, and your own sense of cool, get your ass back on your
blog and post something.

Does that count as groveling? I am so going to get my ass kicked in this game.

Posted by Don at November 12, 2003 12:23 PM | TrackBack

Comments

Post a comment

Name:


Email Address:


URL:


Remember personal info?
YesNo

Comments: