Survivor Blogosphere Edition: Outwit, Outpost, Outlast

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Final Challenge Entry Voting Upon Time Is Here!

Okay, so I'm not my normal silver-tongued self today. Must be depression over not winning the two hundred ninety million bucks in the recent Mega Millions contest. Just like me our two remaining contestants also didn't win but at least they'll tell you what they would have done if they had. For myself I'll withold that info so it can't be used against me.

Entries and poll are in the extended entry. The polls will be open through Wednesday, at which point they'll be closed. Wik.

Also due by Wednesday are the votes from our four de-stranded competitors. Remember all y'all what got kicked off the happy isle decide who wins between whatsisname Jimmie and the strumpet Lynn. This poll result comes into play only if the four booted contestants end up deadlocked.

Entry Number 1

Two Hundred and Ninety Million dollars, huh?

Well, it's going to be nearly impossible to do this challenge without revealing, even unintentionally, who I am, but I will try very hard.

First things first. Taxes take about half of that, so really, I'd have to figure out what to do with 145 million dollars. But hey, now that we put it that way, it's going to be a

Okay, now that Mr. Tax Man has dipped his immense, strix-like beak and sucked away half of my riches, I'd better shelter a good hunk of that and get some expertise. I'll set aside a couple million to pay for a lawyer to draw up all the documents I need and to handle media relations and a very good financial planner to handle my investments and trust funds. I'm rich so I needn't skimp on these. In fact, I'd be best off hiring the very best I could.

Once that's done and the basic unpleasantness of changing my telephone number, forwarding my mail and getting a different e-mail account are handled, I can get around to enjoying my cash.

My first impulse is to buy a huge steel bin with a combination lock on it. When I say huge, I'm talking at least four stories tall. Then I'm going to turn all my money into bills and coins and I'm going to go swimming in it just like Scrooge McDuck! Yahoo!

No. No..I can't do that. Not really. Besides, those pesky kids and their dumb Unca Donald would just come around all the time and I'd have to finance Gyro Gearloose and the troubles would never end. So, no money bin.

Let's do the investment stuff first. I'm putting 40 million dollars into a variety of medium-yield, low-risk investments that will pull down 8-10 percent a year and I'll live off of that return. I figure I can live comfortably off of 3-4 million dollars a year. It'll be tough, but I think if I tighten my belt, I can get by. I'm taking another 40 million dollars and buying into a minor-league baseball team. That way I get any seat I want to any game I want and I get to hang out in the dugout. And I get to spend some time on the radio doing play-by-play. I'd love to do that.

So, about 83 million dollars down and another 62 million to go. Okay, I'm putting away ten million dollars each into trust funds for my two kids with an administrator who will have instructions to use the interest gained from the low-yield investments (no more risky than a passbook savings account) to split between reinvesting in the funds, putting in a college fund, and taking care of their everyday needs and expenses. Split three ways, that should be about a hundred-grand for each kid for each of the three things. That should set them up for life.

Now we're down to 42 million. I have to take care of my family, so I'll give each member of my immediate family 1 million dollars apiece: my parents and siblings. There are eleven of them, so that takes me down to 31 million.

Ten million will go to a couple charities and endowments I've been thinking about for some time. I'd send 2 million each to the Spirit of America, The Center for Missing and Exploited Children, Artemis Society International, Oliver North's charity that provides scholarships for children of killed servicemen, and a fund I'd set up to use for donations to causes I'd see in the future to which I'd like to donate. That last found would also use similar investments to my own "living fund" to grow it and make sure it remained solvent for many years.

After all that, I'd have 21 million dollars. I haven't spent any on myself yet (and you bettre believe I plan on it) but I'm not done giving out the cash quite yet. I'd take 6 million dollars and establish an endowment at my local college to fund scholarships and work-study programs for its growing choral music program. I'd also allow for the endowment to fund the choruses themselves for such things as a two-week European singing tour and educational exchange for the chorus members. The fund would also be set up to be as self-sustaining as possible and I'd arrange for it to have some level of "matching funds" from the college itself - probably on a 3-2 ratio.

All that leaves me with 15 million dollars and now it's time to go shopping. I'll buy two houses: one where I live now and one in New Orleans. I'll live most of the year in the one here, which will be roomy but not too large: homey, comfortable, and furnished with good wooden furniture and earth tones - something in a Southwestern decor. Did I mention the sound studio? Oh yes, there's going to be one of those attached to the house, too. It'll have two studios - one for larger groups up to 80 people and one for smaller bands and soloists. And it'll be where I keep all my musical instruments: the quality bass guitars, Les Paul electric axes, Selmer Mark VI saxophones of each type, a couple top of the line wooden clarinets, a grand piano (oh and there'll be one in the living room, too), an electronic keyboard suite, and a good drum set. My other nod to ostentatiousness will be the "gaming room" which is where my buddies and I will get together to do our weekly role-playing gaming. It'll have a big table, comfy seats, a fridge stocked with sodas and a munchies pantry.

Okay, I lied. There's going to be one more ostentatious touch. My house is going to be wired. I'll have a house-wide wireless network and a kicking sound system controlled by the house network. No matter where you go, you'll be able to get music from the best sound system I can find.

The house will have a three-car garage which is where I'll keep my everyday car (a Lexus sedan), my gas-guzzler (a Jeep Grand Cherokee), and my showoff car (a Bentley). You'd better believe that each one of them is going to be loaded from tires to roof with every cool gadget I can get in them.

Now, back to that vacation home. The house in New Orleans will be nice, but not half as loaded as the one at my home. I'll use it whenever I feel like jaunting down to the Big Easy to catch a jazz fest or just to feast on muffalettas at the Central Grocery and beignets at Cafe DuMonde.

I'll spend some cash on a new wardrobe and various things of that nature which, including the houses and cars, should come to about ten million dollars. I'll have 5 million left. I'll save a million for now and give out the rest to my friends. They'll each get 100,000 and if they need more to pay off bills and such, they'll get what I have to give out.

The last million is going for two things. First, for travel the rest of the summer. I'm going on a grand tour: first of the US then of places abroad I want to see. I'll visit my out-of-state friends here and take in ballgames at Wrigley Field and Fenway Park. outside of the US I'll travel to England and Australia.

And I'll spend some more time with my kids who live with their Mom.

And that ought to just about blow through the whole wad of cash.

Oh! Not quite. I'm going back to school to get my music degree and teaching certificate. And a couple years from now, no one will remember that the person who's leading their local high-school choir once won the biggest lottery in the history of the country.

Entry Number 2

Well, after I checked out of the Psych Ward, (due to lottery induced shock), I'd quit my job and go out west to see my Mum. I'd get her out of her crappy, low-income housing, apartment and try to convince her to move to my city. Either way, she'd be set for life. Then I'd pay off my best friend's student loans, mortgage, etc. I'd pay off his Mum's mortgage too 'cause she's a fantastic woman who's been exceptionally kind to me over the years. I'd probably end up giving away a lot of it to various friends and loved-ones because just about everyone I know is poor.

I would set up a scholarship at my alma matter for "average students", not unlike myself, who really need the cash to off-set student loans. I would make a huge donation to the local SPCA and adopt a couple of more kitties. Knowing myself as I do, I would then go shopping and do a lot of travelling. 290 million dollars is an insane amount of money and I don't know how one could ever spend it all.

In the end, I would probably end up dying young due to various lottery induced indulgences which is why I don't buy lottery tickets and will never have to deal with this situation in real-life, thank God.

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Posted by Jim at July 6, 2004 01:18 PM | TrackBack

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